Psychic Animals Predict Maori Party Victory in Te Tai Tokerau

Michaela the mystic meerkat

Newtown News visited Wellington Zoo yesterday after being tipped off that animals with psychic powers would predict the outcome of the upcoming Te Tai Tokerau byelection.  Three of the zoo’s most popular animals put their psychic powers to the test and their predictions may surprise you.

Up first, Michaela the mystic meerkat was presented with three boxes of juicy insects.  Each box had a picture of a candidate taped onto it.  Michaela initially moved towards Hone Harawira of the Mana Party’s box, but then quickly wheeled to the right and ran passed the box of Labour’s Kelvin Davis to feast on the insects from inside Maori Party candidate Solomon Tipene’s box. 

With the meerkat’s psychic powers having been completely untested and most commentators viewing Tipene as an underdog with only an outside chance of victory the zookeepers moved on to the lion’s den to seek a second opinion from Henry the clairvoyant African lion.  The big cat wasted little time mauling the zebra-meat effigy bearing the likeness of Tipene, while leaving the effigy of Davis alone and steering well clear of the Harawira meal.

After the animal kingdom provided Tipene with two strong endorsements we met Ernie the oracle, a Malayan sun bear who was fast asleep when offered a choice of three pots of delicious honey.  Despite being known for his fondness of honey, Ernie refused to budge and remained deep in slumber.  At the time this article went to print the bear had still not made a selection.  An indication perhaps, that apathy will play a significant role in this byelection.

Ernie the sun bear is undecided

Obituary: Shrek the Sheep

Shrek the Sheep, 16, died 6^th June, at Dunstan Animal Hospital after a prolonged illness.  A state funeral will be held at Parliament House on Sunday followed by a barbeque.

Shrek was born on Bendigo Station, Otago, in September 1994.  In 1998 he left the farm and embarked on a journey of spiritual self discovery, devoting himself to a life of solitude, abstinence, and meditation.  He gained international media attention in 2004 when he finally emerged from his cave to share with the world his new outlook on life and his philosophy of Sheepism.

He travelled New Zealand making many friends and gaining devoted followers, some in high places such as former Prime Minister Helen Clark.  Shrek worked tirelessly raising money for charity by selflessly auctioning his wool, and created awareness of climate change by visiting an iceberg off Dunedin’s coast.

While he may not have been as playful as New Zealand’s celebrity dolphins, he was a wily old critter who knew the lay of the land, lived by his principles, and his deeds made the country a richer place, especially for his owner.

Shrek will be posthumously awarded a knighthood for services to philanthropy and in his honour State Highway 8 will be renamed State Highway Shrek.

Highlanders Moving to Palmerston North

An anonymous source close to the Highlanders rugby team has leaked secret plans to move the southern franchise to Palmerston North.

The man trying to woo the Highlanders north is Palmerston North Mayor Jono Naylor.  Naylor was recently seen leaving Stilettos Revue Club in Princes Street with Highlanders Marketing Manager Doug McSweeney and is rumoured to have had meat packs delivered to every member of the Highlanders board of directors.  The meat packs are said to have a combined value of over $360.

The franchise has already held a ‘home’ game at FMG Stadium in Palmerston North and is said to have purchased green uniforms in preparation for their rebranding as the Manawatu-Central Districts Highlanders.

Naylor believes that Palmerston North, long the laughing stock of the North Island for its lack of anything remotely good, would benefit from the prestige of having a Super Rugby team.  He also remains bitter that Otago got to call its boring one-horse town Palmerston, while his city had to change its name.

Kill Grimace: Green MP

Sue Kedgley

Green MP Sue Kedgley has called on McDonalds to show the true effects of obesity by forcing their mascot Grimace to die of a heart attack on adverts shown during children’s viewing hours.

‘We are facing an epidemic of childhood obesity that will have huge costs on our healthcare system in the long term.’  ‘Fast food giants such as McDonalds are aggressively targeting young children with their marketing,’ claims Kedgley.  ‘They’re feeding our children toxic ‘food’ and not once do they show the adverse effects this has on their health.  It’s time they showed what happens to Grimace when he eats all that junk food.’

National MP Judith Collins said this was another example of the Greens trying to bring back ‘the social engineering and the nanny state’ that National has ‘worked hard to eradicate over the last three years’.  ‘Whatever happened to personal responsibility?’  ‘Sure, we do have a real problem with childhood obesity, but we believe Kiwi mums and dads know best what to feed their kids and we will continue to let the responsibility lie with parents even though that’s clearly not working.’

While critical of Kedgley’s proposal, Collins did strongly imply she would like to see the Hamburglar being raped in jail.

ACT’s John Boscowen said that the government should be promoting freedom, choice, and individual responsibility by subsidising KFC Double Down sandwiches.

Grimace

Grimace began his career as a spokesperson for McDonalds in 1971.  Despite having severe learning difficulties he grew in recognition and is now considered second only to Ronald McDonald as an ambassador for the global brand.  In 1986 he was awarded an honorary doctorate from McDonalds University.

Grimace is the cousin of prominent gay rights activist Tinky Winky and the nephew of disgraced sex offender Barney the Dinosaur.

When approached for comment McDonalds NZ CEO Mark Hawthorn said ‘to be perfectly honest these politicians are fucking morons.  We don’t even use those characters that much these days.  Our Happy Meal toys are usually Pixar promotions because this is the twenty-first fucking century.’

Editorial: The Public Has a Right to Know

The ‘super injunction’ taken out by footballer Ryan Giggs to prevent mainstream media in England and Wales from reporting on his alleged extra-marital affair sets a dangerous precedent.

The ruling opens the floodgates for any actor, musician, or athlete who thinks they are entitled to a private life to effectively silence the fourth estate and prevent them from giving the public the facts.  Is this really a road we want to go down?  This is how dictatorships start.   In a functioning democracy it is not only the media’s right, but its duty to hold A-list celebrities to account.

If we do not protest this injunction the content of our hitherto independent free press could be dictated to by the courts and these rulings will inevitably be applied inconsistently.  Imagine if we were allowed to report on what Katy Perry thinks of Lady Gaga’s new look, but we were prevented from reporting that Rihanna and Chris Brown are talking again.  The implications of such a scenario do not bear thinking about.

Some may consider the salacious affairs of a footballer to be trivial and ‘not real news’, and some so-called privacy activists may even try to argue that an individual’s right to privacy outweighs a tabloid’s right to print gossip, but what these woolly thinkers do not realise is this injunction could be the start of a very slippery slope.  If we do nothing to protest this muzzling of free speech then maybe tomorrow we will be forbidden from reporting on what sort of dress Kate Middleton is wearing, and then we will not be allowed to tell the public whether Paris Hilton was wearing underwear when she disembarked from a limousine.  And then one dark day in the not too distant future we may be prevented from informing our readers which celebrity has had saucy photos and sex tapes stolen from their mobile phone, and that would be a great tragedy for democracy in the free world.

Middle-Aged White Man Tags Hillside

Tagger Steve Fitzgerald and the hillside he vandalised

Wellington residents were shocked this morning to discover the Miramar Cutting had been defaced with the word “WELLYWOOD’ scrawled across it.

The tag is 3.5 metres high and 28 metres wide creating a massive blight on the landscape and angering local residents.

Lyall Bay local Sandra Walker said the vandalism of the hillside made her angry.  She feared large scale tagging like this would ruin Wellington’s ‘cool and sophisticated image.’  ‘On top of it all it just makes our town look trashy and ugly.’

Hataitai resident Ashok Prasad had similar fears, saying ‘with so many visitors coming to the city for the rugby world cup, this is a really bad look.  It’s embarrassing.’

Senior Sergeant Ewan Dunsmuir said tagging was essentially a ‘nuisance crime’  ‘It causes damage to private and public property which has an associated cost to clean up, but just as importantly it creates a perception of associated lameness in the area’.

The alleged perpetrator of this senseless act is Wellington Airport CEO Steve Fitzgerald.  He will appear in Wellington District Court on Monday on one count of vandalism and two counts of being a complete and utter fuckstain.

The incident has reignited the debate on tagging, an issue that can sometimes fill mainstream New Zealanders with murderous rage.  In parliament the vandalism was criticised from both sides of the House.

Labour’s Clayton Cosgrove said of the tag, ‘it can't be considered effective advertising for the city.  It is mindless scrawl that will cause great financial and emotional cost which the perpetrator seems to care nothing about."

National’s Judith Collins took an even harder line: "if we continue to treat it as a minor issue, some sort of tongue-in-cheek joke, then we will continue to see a breakdown of law and order."

Economists estimate that tagging costs the economy fifteen trillion billion dollars a year.

New Zealander of the Year: Bob Parker

When popular Christchurch rock band Zed wrote ‘I’m a lover, I’m a winner, I’m a fighter,’ they very well could have been singing about Bob Parker.  It may only be May, but we have already found our New Zealander of the Year for 2011.  Referred to as ‘New Zealand’s Mayor,’ Bob Parker led the Christchurch City Council during two major earthquakes which is more than you’ve ever done.

Channelling some of history’s greatest mayors, Mayor Bob Parker became the face of Christchurch’s devastating earthquakes.  His calm presence, his clear and compassionate words and deep broadcaster's voice all sending the message that despite the utter devastation, the city will survive.

Born and bred in Christchurch, the city he has always considered home, Parker grew from humble beginnings to take on a career in broadcasting that saw him interview many important and influential New Zealanders.  His posh-sounding voice, the result of elocution lessons, is testament to his belief that any New Zealander can change the way they speak if they are prepared to make sacrifices and work hard.

Ever the modest mayor, Parker declined Newtown News’ offer to appear in our forthcoming swimsuit edition.  He has also turned down our offer of a romantic picnic followed by a punt on the Avon, but we hold out hope he will change his mind on that.

But one issue upon which the good Mayor never flip flops is his commitment to the people of Christchurch.  He lives and breathes the job and always has.  The man with a heart as big as a sprawling suburban shopping mall carpark has a level of compassion that is off the Richter scale.  Christchurch resident Joanna Parker-Nicholls said the mayor comforted her after the February quake.  ‘He had fallen over when the quake struck and bruised his ribs, but he was still concerned at how I was doing.  Christchurch is so lucky to have a mayor as kind and down-to-earth, and as smart and handsome as he is.’

If the government banned local body elections in Christchurch and appointed Parker as mayor for life, few if any Cantabrians would object.  Such is the scale of his mana, his aura and popularity.  Mayor Bob Parker we salute you.

The People's Mayor

Alliance Release 'Radical' Manifesto

The election is still months away, but the Alliance Party raced out of the blocks early by releasing their manifesto yesterday.  Titled ‘Make Everything Like 2008’ the party plan to reduce GST to 12.5% and repeal the ninety day ‘fire at will’ employment law.

They also pledge to retain interest free student loans, Kiwisaver, and Working for Families without any cuts or alterations.  An Alliance Government would also do away with the controversial national standards and protect National Radio.

‘Essentially what we’re trying to do is undo every stupid thing the Fifth National Government has done’ said Alliance spokesperson Jim Flynn.  When asked how he would pay for these policies he said he would repeal the income tax cuts introduced by National.

The manifesto drew sharp criticism from Green Party co-leader Russel Norman who referred to the Alliance Party as ‘backwards looking’ and ‘a party where tired old Marxists go to die.’

Labour Party leader Phil Goff also chided the policies for being ‘extremely radical’ and ‘insane’.  He said the Alliance wanted to ‘take us back to the bad old days of Clark, Cullen, and Goff.’

The Alliance are currently polling at 0%.