Psychic Animals Predict Maori Party Victory in Te Tai Tokerau

Michaela the mystic meerkat

Newtown News visited Wellington Zoo yesterday after being tipped off that animals with psychic powers would predict the outcome of the upcoming Te Tai Tokerau byelection.  Three of the zoo’s most popular animals put their psychic powers to the test and their predictions may surprise you.

Up first, Michaela the mystic meerkat was presented with three boxes of juicy insects.  Each box had a picture of a candidate taped onto it.  Michaela initially moved towards Hone Harawira of the Mana Party’s box, but then quickly wheeled to the right and ran passed the box of Labour’s Kelvin Davis to feast on the insects from inside Maori Party candidate Solomon Tipene’s box. 

With the meerkat’s psychic powers having been completely untested and most commentators viewing Tipene as an underdog with only an outside chance of victory the zookeepers moved on to the lion’s den to seek a second opinion from Henry the clairvoyant African lion.  The big cat wasted little time mauling the zebra-meat effigy bearing the likeness of Tipene, while leaving the effigy of Davis alone and steering well clear of the Harawira meal.

After the animal kingdom provided Tipene with two strong endorsements we met Ernie the oracle, a Malayan sun bear who was fast asleep when offered a choice of three pots of delicious honey.  Despite being known for his fondness of honey, Ernie refused to budge and remained deep in slumber.  At the time this article went to print the bear had still not made a selection.  An indication perhaps, that apathy will play a significant role in this byelection.

Ernie the sun bear is undecided

Obituary: Shrek the Sheep

Shrek the Sheep, 16, died 6^th June, at Dunstan Animal Hospital after a prolonged illness.  A state funeral will be held at Parliament House on Sunday followed by a barbeque.

Shrek was born on Bendigo Station, Otago, in September 1994.  In 1998 he left the farm and embarked on a journey of spiritual self discovery, devoting himself to a life of solitude, abstinence, and meditation.  He gained international media attention in 2004 when he finally emerged from his cave to share with the world his new outlook on life and his philosophy of Sheepism.

He travelled New Zealand making many friends and gaining devoted followers, some in high places such as former Prime Minister Helen Clark.  Shrek worked tirelessly raising money for charity by selflessly auctioning his wool, and created awareness of climate change by visiting an iceberg off Dunedin’s coast.

While he may not have been as playful as New Zealand’s celebrity dolphins, he was a wily old critter who knew the lay of the land, lived by his principles, and his deeds made the country a richer place, especially for his owner.

Shrek will be posthumously awarded a knighthood for services to philanthropy and in his honour State Highway 8 will be renamed State Highway Shrek.

Editorial: The Public Has a Right to Know

The ‘super injunction’ taken out by footballer Ryan Giggs to prevent mainstream media in England and Wales from reporting on his alleged extra-marital affair sets a dangerous precedent.

The ruling opens the floodgates for any actor, musician, or athlete who thinks they are entitled to a private life to effectively silence the fourth estate and prevent them from giving the public the facts.  Is this really a road we want to go down?  This is how dictatorships start.   In a functioning democracy it is not only the media’s right, but its duty to hold A-list celebrities to account.

If we do not protest this injunction the content of our hitherto independent free press could be dictated to by the courts and these rulings will inevitably be applied inconsistently.  Imagine if we were allowed to report on what Katy Perry thinks of Lady Gaga’s new look, but we were prevented from reporting that Rihanna and Chris Brown are talking again.  The implications of such a scenario do not bear thinking about.

Some may consider the salacious affairs of a footballer to be trivial and ‘not real news’, and some so-called privacy activists may even try to argue that an individual’s right to privacy outweighs a tabloid’s right to print gossip, but what these woolly thinkers do not realise is this injunction could be the start of a very slippery slope.  If we do nothing to protest this muzzling of free speech then maybe tomorrow we will be forbidden from reporting on what sort of dress Kate Middleton is wearing, and then we will not be allowed to tell the public whether Paris Hilton was wearing underwear when she disembarked from a limousine.  And then one dark day in the not too distant future we may be prevented from informing our readers which celebrity has had saucy photos and sex tapes stolen from their mobile phone, and that would be a great tragedy for democracy in the free world.

New Zealander of the Year: Bob Parker

When popular Christchurch rock band Zed wrote ‘I’m a lover, I’m a winner, I’m a fighter,’ they very well could have been singing about Bob Parker.  It may only be May, but we have already found our New Zealander of the Year for 2011.  Referred to as ‘New Zealand’s Mayor,’ Bob Parker led the Christchurch City Council during two major earthquakes which is more than you’ve ever done.

Channelling some of history’s greatest mayors, Mayor Bob Parker became the face of Christchurch’s devastating earthquakes.  His calm presence, his clear and compassionate words and deep broadcaster's voice all sending the message that despite the utter devastation, the city will survive.

Born and bred in Christchurch, the city he has always considered home, Parker grew from humble beginnings to take on a career in broadcasting that saw him interview many important and influential New Zealanders.  His posh-sounding voice, the result of elocution lessons, is testament to his belief that any New Zealander can change the way they speak if they are prepared to make sacrifices and work hard.

Ever the modest mayor, Parker declined Newtown News’ offer to appear in our forthcoming swimsuit edition.  He has also turned down our offer of a romantic picnic followed by a punt on the Avon, but we hold out hope he will change his mind on that.

But one issue upon which the good Mayor never flip flops is his commitment to the people of Christchurch.  He lives and breathes the job and always has.  The man with a heart as big as a sprawling suburban shopping mall carpark has a level of compassion that is off the Richter scale.  Christchurch resident Joanna Parker-Nicholls said the mayor comforted her after the February quake.  ‘He had fallen over when the quake struck and bruised his ribs, but he was still concerned at how I was doing.  Christchurch is so lucky to have a mayor as kind and down-to-earth, and as smart and handsome as he is.’

If the government banned local body elections in Christchurch and appointed Parker as mayor for life, few if any Cantabrians would object.  Such is the scale of his mana, his aura and popularity.  Mayor Bob Parker we salute you.

The People's Mayor