Psychic Animals Predict Maori Party Victory in Te Tai Tokerau

Michaela the mystic meerkat

Newtown News visited Wellington Zoo yesterday after being tipped off that animals with psychic powers would predict the outcome of the upcoming Te Tai Tokerau byelection.  Three of the zoo’s most popular animals put their psychic powers to the test and their predictions may surprise you.

Up first, Michaela the mystic meerkat was presented with three boxes of juicy insects.  Each box had a picture of a candidate taped onto it.  Michaela initially moved towards Hone Harawira of the Mana Party’s box, but then quickly wheeled to the right and ran passed the box of Labour’s Kelvin Davis to feast on the insects from inside Maori Party candidate Solomon Tipene’s box. 

With the meerkat’s psychic powers having been completely untested and most commentators viewing Tipene as an underdog with only an outside chance of victory the zookeepers moved on to the lion’s den to seek a second opinion from Henry the clairvoyant African lion.  The big cat wasted little time mauling the zebra-meat effigy bearing the likeness of Tipene, while leaving the effigy of Davis alone and steering well clear of the Harawira meal.

After the animal kingdom provided Tipene with two strong endorsements we met Ernie the oracle, a Malayan sun bear who was fast asleep when offered a choice of three pots of delicious honey.  Despite being known for his fondness of honey, Ernie refused to budge and remained deep in slumber.  At the time this article went to print the bear had still not made a selection.  An indication perhaps, that apathy will play a significant role in this byelection.

Ernie the sun bear is undecided

Obituary: Shrek the Sheep

Shrek the Sheep, 16, died 6^th June, at Dunstan Animal Hospital after a prolonged illness.  A state funeral will be held at Parliament House on Sunday followed by a barbeque.

Shrek was born on Bendigo Station, Otago, in September 1994.  In 1998 he left the farm and embarked on a journey of spiritual self discovery, devoting himself to a life of solitude, abstinence, and meditation.  He gained international media attention in 2004 when he finally emerged from his cave to share with the world his new outlook on life and his philosophy of Sheepism.

He travelled New Zealand making many friends and gaining devoted followers, some in high places such as former Prime Minister Helen Clark.  Shrek worked tirelessly raising money for charity by selflessly auctioning his wool, and created awareness of climate change by visiting an iceberg off Dunedin’s coast.

While he may not have been as playful as New Zealand’s celebrity dolphins, he was a wily old critter who knew the lay of the land, lived by his principles, and his deeds made the country a richer place, especially for his owner.

Shrek will be posthumously awarded a knighthood for services to philanthropy and in his honour State Highway 8 will be renamed State Highway Shrek.

Highlanders Moving to Palmerston North

An anonymous source close to the Highlanders rugby team has leaked secret plans to move the southern franchise to Palmerston North.

The man trying to woo the Highlanders north is Palmerston North Mayor Jono Naylor.  Naylor was recently seen leaving Stilettos Revue Club in Princes Street with Highlanders Marketing Manager Doug McSweeney and is rumoured to have had meat packs delivered to every member of the Highlanders board of directors.  The meat packs are said to have a combined value of over $360.

The franchise has already held a ‘home’ game at FMG Stadium in Palmerston North and is said to have purchased green uniforms in preparation for their rebranding as the Manawatu-Central Districts Highlanders.

Naylor believes that Palmerston North, long the laughing stock of the North Island for its lack of anything remotely good, would benefit from the prestige of having a Super Rugby team.  He also remains bitter that Otago got to call its boring one-horse town Palmerston, while his city had to change its name.